My best year/ my worst year....

My worst year was not this year, 2010. Some people think losing your house might be the worst thing that can happen to you. Granted, it was hard. The couple years leading up to it were equally hard. The stress of not knowing if you're going to be able to stay and what you can do to save it are very difficult. Being in real estate was very stressful, as sales were hard to get and the values were going down, etc. So making a living was hard as well. And being alone and having to make those decisions were extremely stressful... I didn't know where my money was coming from, and I tried other jobs, I worked at decorating, out of Costco, no less. And I worked at Chico's, a lady's store. And was a Census enumerator, which is a story in itself!
So after losing my house, getting the notice tacked on the door, and the physical and mental stress of moving was done. Here I am. Still trying to make a living, and still trying to make sense of the world.
But it's done, and whether or not I could've done it better, I don't know. It is what it is.
And I'm ok.
I did meet a nice man, and life goes on. He's a good person and very kind to me.
But my worst year was 2007, this time of year, when my mom and brother died.
My mom had Alzheimers and was back in Colorado in a care facility near my dad. I had just decided to go back to see them, and talked to my daughter and son in law about going with me to see them. I had called my dad on July 19th to let him know I was coming and leaving in a few days. He was very glad I was coming out and seemed quite happy. I tried to get out to see them once or twice a year.
The next day I got a message on my machine, (kind of strange that he would do that) that my mom was "gone".
"Gone" had no meaning to me. What? What was gone? She was sick, but I guess Alzheimers is sick. She just died in her sleep. So, calling him and talking to him was hard. I just called my daughter and threw some things in my suitcase and drove to Kali's to get them. I don't know what the hurry was, it just seemed important to leave then.
I miss my mom, she was the smartest person I knew, a registered nurse and everyone's wise woman. She knew what to do for every scrape or illness we all had. And in another day would have been the "healing woman" of the town. She was loving, nurturing and funny. I still want to call her every day and share something with her.
I wish I could.
When we were at her service, it was outdoors in Grand Junction's veterans cemetary, and in back of her casket were the bluffs and mountains around the valley. It was a beautiful day. My dad asked me to sing "Over the Rainbow" for her, which I did with love. My three brothers were there, my brother Geoff, the oldest had pancreatic cancer and had been fighting that battle for over 3 years. When they say "valiantly", that is what he did. With grace, and humor. I remember him putting a rose on her casket, tapping it and saying to her, "see you soon Mom". And I shook my head, no, that's not going to happen.
But less than 4 months later he had hip surgery for a broken hip he sustained in a fall, and came out of it ok. Unfortunately, what they found was his cancer had spread to his bones, and throughout his body. And I think, that opening him up, exacerbated the disease and he went downhill fast after that.
I went out to see him in Salt Lake in early November, and his once robust body was gaunt, and he looked skeletal. Very shocking to see. I don't know that he knew how shocking it was to see him just 3 months later, after he had lost nearly 100 pounds.
But he was still my brother, with his wry wit and great sense of self. He joked with the nurses, and doctors. And I sat by his side for maybe 8-10 hours a day, until his kids and others would come. I held his hand and changed his bedpan, and held his pan when he threw up in it. He wouldn't allow any shirkers to be there, if I was going to stay, I needed to get over my queasiness and help... And I didn't mind.
I lay my head down on the bed, and held his hand and told him over and over that I loved him. He was my oldest brother, and my favorite too. He taught me how to ride a bike, and spit, and how to defend myself. He took me to go swimming at the "C street Pool" when we were kids. And took me to the matinee and sat with me.
Later on, when we were both separated from our spouses he came and rented a room from me and we would talk about life and times, kids, men (mine) and all about our days. We played Trivial Pursuit with friends and have dinner together.

So we became friends again, and it was really a good time.
2007 was a really hard year for me. I don't remember a time when things were so tough. Missing my mom, and missing my brother. And many times not wanting to get up in the morning. Wonder what for. What was it all about.
But I found out.
Because in that grey time, there was a glimmer of life.
My daughter was pregnant throughout most of that year.
And that was my saving grace.
She was my saving grace. My little Daisy.
Exactly one month after Geoff passed on, Daisy came into the world.
And saved my life.
And became my little star.

I got that call at 6 in the morning from my son in law Greg, that Kali was in labor in Sacramento Kaiser. So I jumped in my car and drove to Sacramento, and of course got lost. (I am famous for getting lost!) But eventually got there to the hospital.
And rubbed Kali's back and shoulders and breathed in and out with her, and late in the day the doctors decided to do a C-section and our little angel came into the world. She was so tiny, but very healthy and pink! (my favorite color)
I fell in love the minute I saw her and held her. And am just so happy to have her in my life.
So though it was the worst year of my life, it was also the best year in my life.
Things were back in perspective. Things are not all bad.
This is life.
This is why we're here. To take it all and enjoy each day.
And love those little joys. And remember those we loved and hold onto those we have in our lives.